by Gillis Triplett (guest commentator for Bahiyah Woman Magazine)
{excerpted}
Raising Boys Wrong…
It the state of Georgia, as in most urban areas, two thirds of the Black children born, are born to unwed mothers. Most of those boys will grow up to be unproductive men in our society. For irrefutable proof one only needs to examine:
(a) The high school drop out rate amongst boys from single-family homes.
(b) The incarceration statistics for boys raised by single moms.
(c) The mass number of single mothers who have trained their boys to devalue and disrespect the entire female gender
Am I blaming society’s ills on single mothers? No! Am I attacking or demonizing single mothers? A thousand times no! I am dealing with a critical issue that has devastated multiple generations. One that has not been properly dealt with for too long. I have watched this particular group of single mothers reek havoc and sow seeds of discord in the lives of countless children. I had one incident in which a woman, (I’ll call Racine) was dating a man, she got pregnant by him and they moved in together.
Like many women who give themselves to dishonorable men, Racine assumed that she could change him and that he would eventually marry her. She was so convinced of her abilities to alter his conduct, that she got pregnant, AGAIN! You should know that Racine was in the church while this disgraceful chain of events took place. After their second child, her live-in boyfriend just up and left. He coldly and calculatedly abandoned her and both of their kids.
It is no secret that this is the norm for single women who get pregnant by their boyfriends. But like many women, Racine chose to ignore those irrefutable facts. She somehow believed her situation would be different than the countless single women who are left pregnant and alone every year. Before bolting, her enigmatic lover prepped his family, friends and co-workers not to divulge any information of his whereabouts to his ex.
For three months Racine pleaded with his family and friends to tell her what happened. After constantly listening to her forlorned cries, one of his family members couldn’t take it anymore. She broke down and told Racine the truth. Her Night In Pining Armour had dumped her and hurriedly married some bimbo. When Racine heard the heart traumatizing truth, she promptly joined the (BSMC), Bitter Single Mother’s Club. She turned into an angry and vengeful single mom.
Her means of getting revenge against her ex was to physically abuse both their children. She would do things such as force them to sit outside in the freezing cold for hours at a time. She would choke her older son, (I’ll call Joseph) while swearing at him and cursing his father. Because of her physically and verbally abusive behavior, Joseph learned to hate females.
Because of how his mother abused him and his little brother, Joseph detests the female gender with an unforgiving passion. Like his mother had been drilling in his ears for years, he followed in the footsteps of his father. He got a female pregnant while in high school, but instead of abandoning her and baby like his dad, he married her. Not because he loved her, but to prove his mother wrong. Joseph had taken on the same vengeful and abusive spirit as his mom.
In less than two weeks after saying, “I do!†he physically assaulted his new bride. He has been abusing her ever since. Even at my behest, his wife refused to file charges. She felt as though she could change him. Their little girl will be 5-years-old in 2004 and Joseph has never held a conversation with her because of distrust and hatred of all females. The only things he has said to his daughter is, “Shut up! Didn’t I tell you… No! Sit down and, go get me a…â€Â
Joseph….more
Interesting
Very insightful and much needed, rarely discussed topic. The willingness to even engage in this type of dialogue is avoided like the plague out of fear that it will be perceived as an attack on Black woman. As long as the conversation is kept at the level which focuses on the absence of Black males in the home, we will never be able to deal with the reality of what’s happening in the now and its dire consequences.
I think the mis-raising of black boys is a little deeper than revenge for the sins of the daddy. Not too long ago black mothers used this way of raising their sons to SAVE THEIR LIVES. It was dangerous for black boys to think too highly of themselves. Black mothers humbled their sons, demeaned them, and taught them how to tolerate abuse as a way to preserve their lives. High self-esteem was a liability. The time for that has passed, but some of us insist on holding on to the OLD way of doing things.
The reality is, for a variety of reasons, black women have had no choice but to raise their sons alone. Black men in the past were working away from the home at whatever job he could find, or he’d run away because he could not provide, or he was chased away by the welfare system. Times have changed and I wish to acknowledge the fact that a lot of black men are stepping to the plate and raising or participating in raising their children Things are NOT as grim as media propaganda would have us believe.
My ex is the primary custodian of my 16 year old son because we both accept that I can not teach my son how to be a man. I can love him and teach him to be a good person, but I can’t teach him to be a man. I choose not to beat up my sisters for wanting to raise their sons. Some have no choice, but others are making a decision based on emotion rather than logic. I wish some of my sisters would look at the big picture for the good of their sons. But as a people, we are where we are.
It takes two to make a baby and it takes two to raise, not just boys but girls too. A lot of my sisters accept less than they should from a man because they themselves had no father. They have no idea how a man is supposed to treat a woman. To get right down to it, there are very, very few of us in the black community who have seen happy, healthy relationships. I pray one day we can overcome this, but I don’t blame my sisters or my brothers for our family’s condition. Our people wore the chains of slavery and Jim Crow a long time. Change is going to come, but not if we devour each other like THEY encourage us to do.
[...] This comment was recently submitted by reader Donna Rogers on a past posting entitled “10 Harmful Things Single Mothers Do [...]
I agree with this post , i have seen where moms have beaten there kids and told them there just like there fathers ! this is something you just dont do !kids know things and remember things especially boys they hold things in and release it all at once its something that most can not control ! Most women dont know how this will affect there kids like by telling them these things and I hope most will learn by this article !
hey im a white dude and heres what my X did to me,got me thrown in jail for a crime i did not do(ask my mom she had the kids )we went to my Xs x-mas work gig she gets all messed up we go home she calls the cops tells them i hit her and im never allowed home since ..(but im 5 blocks away and see my son) but yes a boy needs a father to grow up and be a man and have respect for women .but now adays dude they aint like are moms were…nowadays women are out to fuck men up for something they messed up with being a hoe..the kids pay dude (and dont trust them)….ever
I came across this while searching for information on how discrimination takes place towards single mothers in the workplace. And the first thing I would like to say, is that it is sad the mother is treating her children in that manner, and it is also sad the author of this did not contact the proper authorities concerning the alleged abuse. Now to the actual subject of women (particularly) Black women, abusing and destroying their children’s lives based on some inner hatred and desire to punish the father, and the assumption that women cannot raise their son’s properly because there is no man in the house…totally ridiculous! This is the fallacy that women have been subjected to for decades and it is something that will continue as long as men (the main culprits in this) continue to view themselves as some type of superior beings. Both men and women can raise children, together, on their own, ect. gender should not have any bearings on raising a child, male or female, with decency, and with the ability to convey that decency to their fellow human beings. I find it repulsive and offensive that in this day and age, single mothers are still being condemned for having children alone and that no only is the church involved in this condemnation, but the government, the mass media as well as people who you see on a daily basis. It is a shame that this stigmata of being a single mother (I would say father also, but there is no controversy in that) is still alive and well in 2007.
In closing, those who have issues with their exes should not take it out on the children. Those who feel a single mother cannot raise a male child…look at what your mother raised (research states that mothers, even in 2 parent homes are the MAIN care givers!) and people get a grip, there will always be single mothers, instead of condemning them, rejoice in the fact that the majority of them ARE doing great jobs in raising productive citizens!
Signed,
I came from a single mother home…I am a single mother….and my son is doing great!
attacking the mothers? wow i have truly read it all. my father left when i was about 5 or 6 and my parents were married.
my mother never spoke ill of his sorry ass…..
i am glad he left. my mother had the nerve to want my brother and i to visit him. he lived in the same town as my grandmother.
anyway i babble.
fathers needs to step up,to blame single mothers is ..i can’t even find the words. some women probably are acting stupid by having babies with sorry ass men…but a lot of men are just that…sorry as hell…..no matter what the circumstances are…
This is a very interesting post. I do think as a community we need to take a hard analysis of all the issues that affect our community including harmful things women may do in raising our sons and women’s shared role for the situations we find ourselves in. I do think it’s important that we raise the issue, see what the problems are but then propose solutions. Let’s be honest. there is enough fingerpointing that can be done back and forth. But that’s not the issue. The issue is how do we raise these boys, whether as a single mom, or in a family unit that ensures and gives them the greatest chance for success. If this starts the discussion then so be it. But let’s not let it end with blame but with solutions.